“We’ll Let Them Decide…”


Last night Max, who is ten, and I were lighting the menorah. Lemme tell you I was feeling quite pleased with myself. Wasn’t I just the greatest
half jewish, christened Unitarian ever? But suddenly it dawned on me I was not, in fact, engaging in a some time-honored family ritual of faith. Nope – I was just delusional.
In all likelihood , my actions almost guaranteed to shame both the half me New England Episcopalians and half me Deep South Jews.
(oh yeah, I should add I was insanely high. Yes while we were commemorating this, the 2nd night of Chanukah. Sorry)
So I kinda had this image of them all.

German Jews are among the most prosperous, proud, even brilliant people but oh my god – just the ugliest people. It’s not subjective. I got the photos to prove it. And there was a lack of warmth, a suspicious nature to these people. Always convinced they were wronged by one another. A stinginess of good will or faith.
And then all those attractive Connecticut/Manhattan WASPS. A smidgen of deep-rooted,essentially bat shit craziness plus years upon years of lost beauty and greatness, instead ravaged by alcohol, recklessness, and depression. And the Grey Gardeny bat shit crazy too.

I laughed, actually I cackled, at some insane image of them collectively spinning round & round in their graves. Like the most terrifying, drunk, jewey rotisserie chickens ever.

So maybe that’s what happens when you grow up only associating the religion of your relatives with their character traits or appearance? What the hell else is there to judge it all on when you are devoid of any actual religious practice?

So Mazel Tov and Good Tidings to all you crazy, self-loathing, stubborn, bigoted and deeply-flawed motherfuckers. My ancestors. I get it. And I ain’t mad at ya…Seriously. Cuz Here we go again.


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